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Life Lessons After Child Loss: Two Years Since Paige Passed

If there is anything in this existence that accurately portrays the illusion of time, it’s grief. It seems impossible that it’s been two years since the unexpected death of my daughter, Paige. To think I have lived with her absence and faced 730 new days without her leaves me with a feeling that I simply cannot put into words. At any given moment, in just a blink of an eye, things can be changed forever. Everything in life is temporary. But I will be honest with you, after all I’ve been through in life, child loss does not seem too temporary. 

I founded Youniverseinyou 6 long years ago and started this journey with great intentions. I am a person that had a vision and goals in life. I have always dreamed of two things: (1) wanting to help others to heal and find peace and (2) to find success and give my daughter(s) the life that they deserve. Life has not been very kind to me, like many others, I have suffered. Life has beaten me down with various trauma since infancy. Thirty three years later, I am still struggling. I’m struggling in my grief, struggling in my mental health and still struggling in poverty, trying to reach my original goal of finding success. Although I have not given up on my goals to do what I can to help make the world a bit brighter, the guilt of not giving Paige the world before she passed away still eats me alive. Paige was truly the kindest, purest, most loving soul I have ever had the honor to know. Ever since she has left this physical existence, it has been challenging to make sense of anything. 

Since I started Youniverseinyou, the message has always been about positivity and optimism. Since then, I have learned to accept that life is not always just about being positive. This life is a delicate balance of light and dark. All parts of life are temporary. When we find ourselves experiencing love and joy, we must stay present and hold onto the feelings while they last. And similarly, when we find ourselves in times of deep despair, we must remind ourselves that these times are meant to be temporary as well. Without the dark times, we may never truly appreciate the “light”. 

Life can be really hard. Devastating. Unfair. Full of pain and heartbreak. We find ourselves here in a world full of division, hatred and fear. Everyday there are terrible things happening to children and people everywhere. This human existence here on Earth, while at times full of love and beauty, can be so dark and cold. 

Everything is about balance. Our souls are here to experience both the light and the dark. We are here to learn and grow and evolve both as individual souls and as a collective. Unfortunately for our fragile human egos, our pain and our emotions give us the greatest opportunities for growth and transformation, if we allow it. I believe that our souls choose these challenging paths, even on the darkest of days. I have learned that we need to trust the plan and do what we can to take in both the light and the dark, choosing still to follow the path of love. 

As someone who has faced what they call “the ultimate tragedy in life”, I beg you to find gratitude within the moments of good. Cherish every single moment of it. Choose love as often as you can. Love over fear. Love over hate. Love over everything.

Death is the only certainty we really have in life. We don’t always think about how unexpected and fragile each human life can be. Death has taught me so much about life. I do not think we are meant to fear the idea of death as society typically does. To me, death is not the end. It is perhaps even just the beginning. The energy of our souls can never be destroyed. It is very hard to let go of the people we love. But it is only so challenging because of the tremendous amount of love we share. Where there is love, there is pain. Everything is about balance. 

I understand that accepting life’s challenges and letting go is easier said than done. If you’ve made it this far, I’m sure it is obvious that it has been challenging (to say the least) for me to let go of things, like losing my daughter, Paige. Healing is never linear. And time does not heal all wounds. Trauma can linger for a lifetime and shape us into who we are and who we become. Nonetheless, I believe we do all have a choice and that perspective truly creates our reality.

Today, on the two year anniversary of the worst experience of my life, I am trying to remember that this moment can be better than it was 2 years ago, if I so choose. That although this day (and everyday since) haunts me and reminds me all too well of the unfathomable details of losing her (PTSD), I know that life is all about the present moment and the choices that we make. 

Today, I’m doing what I can to have empathy and love for that past version of myself from 6/14/2019 when I said goodbye to my child for the very last time. I’m trying to also have empathy for the wounded and traumatized inner child within me. I also empathize for others that have had things much worse than me and to anyone who knows what it feels like to suffer. I hope that I can continue to learn the lessons I need in order to grow and do what I can to help others heal and evolve along the way. 

It’s okay to feel terrible. It’s okay to cry and scream if necessary. Emotions are valid and meant to be felt. And we certainly need to “FEEL IT TO HEAL IT”. Allow your emotions to flow as they come. Feel whatever you need to feel. But once you do, pick yourself back up and do what you can to refocus on the gratitude for the brighter days and love we have experienced. 

It’s time to start healing every part of ourselves and to lead by example. Plant the seeds of love wherever you can. Make changes, develop your emotional intelligence. Heal your wounded inner child. Deepen your connection to nature and to humanity as a whole. Figure out what you love to do. Create. Decide who you want to become. Find joy in the little things, discover the magic of life. Do what you can to go with the flow and let go of the expectations we have in life. 

After all, everything in life is temporary. Keep going. You deserve to heal.

2 comments

  1. I am with you and almost every single word that you said. I grew up a tragic life with all of the people that were supposed to love me and support me, hurting me the most and abandoning me. I struggle through life to find I could have success in life, and a family, And love and children. Three years ago on the 21st of this month I will of lost my only son. He was my person on this planet, the one I loved above all else. I cannot for the life of me believe I’m still breathing, but I go on for him, to honor him, to give love to the people he loved so they can go on. Your story resonated with me and I try to be positive and send good vibes into the universe every day, and messages of hope. Yes I too am human and I have bad days, and I cry in private, sometimes I cry my guts out it seems, but then I put that smile on my face and the positivity and I take it back out into the world come and I do it for him. We are stronger than anyone can possibly imagine, as mothers who have lost a child. Sending you so much love during these hard days, and applauding you on the strong days. Love and light. Jeni

    1. Jeni, I am so sorry for your loss and the trauma you have faced, although I know how empty those words can feel. I wish I could take it all away from you. This world doesn’t always seem very fair. If you ever want to talk, please don’t hesitate to reach out and message me. Connecting with other grieving mothers has been oddly comforting throughout this journey. You don’t have to do this alone. Sending you so much love and hoping you find peace.

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