3 years. How has it possibly been 1,096 days since we have seen your beautiful face? This grief sure does still seem to defy time. On one hand, it seems like it was just yesterday that you were here, dancing and bopping around like the bright beam of light that you are. Yet, on the other hand, it feels like an entire lifetime since we’ve seen your lovely smile or heard your contagious laugh.
We met some family and a few of your friends up at your tree today. It was a beautiful, hot sunny day full of both smiles and tears. We miss you, Paige. And how could we not? You have made such a powerful, positive impact on those that knew you. Incredibly, your story has also inspired MILLIONS of strangers around the world. I wish I could see your reaction to knowing that so many people hold you dear to their hearts. Today on the anniversary of your passing, your favorite person, Billie freaking Eilish commented on one of our Tiktok videos about you. I just know you’re SO hyped knowing that she knows of your existence and sends us her love. I wish you were here to experience that moment with Aria and me.
Speaking of, can you believe that Aria is 7 now? She is wild and sassy as ever. The world better watch out for that one. She misses her big sister more than ever. It truly breaks my heart that I can’t fix this for her and for all of those that know and love you. We know that you are always here with us. We feel your presence, we see the signs every day. But we would give anything for you to be here with us.
I really do try to push myself to connect to you as you are now, rather than focusing my energy on wishing this reality is some crazy, messed-up nightmare. To say the least, it has been the biggest challenge of my existence. I still feel the pain, the sadness, the anger, the guilt. Some days it feels like it is just never going to make sense. Why you? I’d take your place a million times if I only could.
I know that this life is more than what it seems. I feel it in my soul that we are here on earth to evolve and learn and to remember to choose love. I do believe that our souls come into this existence with an agreed-upon plan. And I do think that someday things will make sense. Just not in this lifetime. I’m trying to do my best to continue to lean into these spiritual beliefs rather than be consumed by the emotions and ego of this damn human brain. But I wonder how I could ever possibly learn to let go.
Letting go is such a central theme of finding peace within spirituality. I ask myself how I can find the line between learning to let go of the pain without having to ever let go of you. Acceptance seems impossible nearly every single day of my life. But I know I have to keep trying. I need to learn to accept the path that your soul chose because I know that for some reason- this is the path my soul chose as well. And although so often I want to scream, cry and die, I know that you would never want any of us to feel this way. That is the tragic irony of it all. What a challenge it has been to find the balance. I am grateful that you are always here to guide me along this journey.
I hope that as I continue to heal and grow that I can help others to shift their perspective on death and grief. It is such a heavy, tragic reality to know that dying is practically the only certainty of this entire existence. Yet here we are, all chugging along. Life is insanely precious and fragile. Anything can change at any time. The pain from loss is only so devastating because the love we have is so powerful. But there are three main things I have learned from experiencing “the ultimate tragedy in life”. 1. Love can never die. 2. We will all experience grief and heartbreak, but we never have to do it alone. Leaning on each other and choosing love and compassion for ourselves and others is what it’s all about. 3. We will meet again someday and my soul will feel complete again.
I love you, my sunshine. Always.